Who wears a wallet chain?!
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
