Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
