dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
