Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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