I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
