there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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