I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I AM VODKA MAN
The struggles of a small town man whore
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
