seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
