Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
