Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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