he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
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Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
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I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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