Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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