u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
