Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
