Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
