I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
