Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
