Swine flu. Run for my life!
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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