The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
