remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
