Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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