Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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