booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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