I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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