i think my tv is drunk
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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