Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
