Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
