He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
