I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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