he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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