dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
