one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
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She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
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Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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