Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
