i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
