somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
