Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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