I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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