In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
