peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
