So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
PANTIES FOUND
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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