I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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