I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
