The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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