Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i drank out of a bidet.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
