It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
