My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
