apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
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If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
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Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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