My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
