Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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