My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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