so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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