my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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