Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
