New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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