Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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