He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
