apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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